My Recovery Story

G'day All,

Gordy here, alcoholic to the 'enth degree and locally known as '11step Gordon' in OZ. I thought I'd share a little of my recovery story due to this amazing fellowship and most gratefully, with the generous wisdom of my all loving 'Higher Power'- whom I call God.

I believe I was born an alcoholic from the very first day I breathed air on this planet. I had all the potential from day one. As a kid I battled with enormous emotional fears, the evident lacking of communication skills and an ongoing struggle of feelings of inadequacy amongst my peers. There are many more things I haven't mentioned but I guess you get the gist of it - a pathetic lost soul with a burgeoning inferior complex that cannot help but describe me, to a tee - as a chronic and helpless alcoholic!

When booze entered my life I thought it was the magic miracle potion that was to transform my whole being - the magic elixir you might say. I picked up my first non chaperoned drink in 1962, at the tender age of 14 years 9 months, to be precise. I had recently signed articles on the steamship "SS IRON MONARCH", an old WW2 iron ore vessel trading out of Melbourne Australia and from then on was the beginning of things to difficult to contemplate, to evolve.

Two weeks later as a very young and naïve deck boy I arrived at my first Port of call, Newcastle so far away from my home town of Port Adelaide. After helping to secure the vessel alongside I excitedly slipped ashore with some of my new shipmates and so, without knowing it another phase of my life was just about to begin. Later that evening I stood in the front bar (at such a young age) of a Newcastle hotel (Seven Seas Hotel Carrington) with these new ‘impressive’ buddies of mine and it was not before too long before I was experiencing my first black out - and didn't have a damn clue where in the hell I was.

That night was lost forever in my mind other than early hours in the morning when I awoke up in the back seat of a car with two strange guys, one who was driving and the other who was going through my pockets. Vaguely I remember reacting somewhat aggressively and the next moment I recall he was beating into me very violently. I really had had no chance at all but I do remember vomiting on him due to my extreme drunkenness and the awful hiding he was dealing out to me.

This tended to aggravate the situation much more and the next thing; he swung the door open while the car was in motion and savagely forced me out onto the road. The result was I suffered many nasty cuts and bruises. Most people would feel after an episode like that, one would never touch another drop of alcohol again, but sadly it was just the beginning. This was the early initiation of my ‘soon to become alcoholic career’ that was to continue on for the next 15 years of unbelievable hell.

I stayed at sea for some 12 unforgettable years and most people I know who served reasonable time in the maritime game believe without doubt, that alcoholics are very bountiful in the industry. In my opinion I believe the statistics are extremely high. I hazard to take a guess but let's say approx. 60 to 75%, give or take a few.

To continue, I drank more and more and everything got worse, terribly worse. I married in 1966 and the consequence of that was; I put my wife through absolute hell. Eleven long years of it to be exact. The eventual result of it all was my ongoing association with hospitals, jails, numerous overnight lockups, violence, degradation and shame. You name it; I did it - all due to this damning disease of alcoholism.

I didn't know any difference at all. I knew consuming alcohol made me feel better, if only just for a little while. The incessant craving was destroying me, little by little, bit by bit. If you mentioned me in the context as an alcoholic in those days I would have refuted you to your face, and with 'utter fury' at that.

I thought it was perfectly natural for a man to go for a few drinks (my way of thinking at the time). Take note, just a few drinks I said. Who was I fooling; I could never have a few drinks. What a laugh! Every time I drank, it was for pure oblivion, an impending wipe out of massive proportions.

I was like the proverbial aircraft spiralling out of control, diving downwards at a great rate of knots and ready to slam into mother earth. That's the best way I can describe it. So damned addicted by this raging and rampant disease and with no way to escape it. I was in unquestionable denial and heading for inevitable destruction at breakneck speed. My visions of an alcoholic at that time was of the hard up stiff who camped out (in back alleys, riverbanks or anywhere he crashed), drank cheap plonk or metho wearing his blankets on his back. That’s not me, no, definitely not me!

There I was, partnered with a great lady, four beaut kids and a house I could crawl back into anytime…to suffer it out. Yep, my disease told me, I don’t drink mentho (industrial spirits) so how in the hell could I be addicted? Further more; I wasn't a street derelict so I wholly believed it wasn't possible for me, this great guy to be alcoholic. Hey, how sadly misinformed I was. My wife was totally devoted to me in every way; she continued to open the door time and time again. Fortunately, I could crawl back in whenever I wanted to, suffer it out and return to scratch again, as always I thought.

But finally, it all had to come to an end. My alcoholism eventually caught up with me and I came to a full stop. Totally whipped, beaten. Reflecting on it now I can trace it back to approx. August 1976. I was locked up in the local (Port Adelaide) cells once more which seemed to be my second residence, going on my past history. While lying there in painful inebriated haze, I become aware of my stirring consciousness and began to realize my whereabouts once again.

Outside the jail perimeter I could hear the jingling of the Semi-trailers as they whirled around Port Adelaide’s famous black diamond corner. Other telltale sounds became audible as I slowly came to. Those dripping urinals, pounding away over and over…and how can I forget my drunken buddies running amuck within, wanting me to join them.

I muttered, as I so often had in the past to myself. "Why in the hell am I stuck in this rotten, filthy place again" This has been happening for years with so much, damn frequency. I have had enough of this stinking life, but how can I break the damn cycle?

Well, this is where I believe my "Higher Power" came to my aid. Looking back in His wisdom, I can see He spiritually arranged a meeting for me with a friend from bygone days and this, is how it happened.

I called into Archway Rehab. to pick up my wife’s father and when I rang the doorbell this guy answered. I peered at him through a drunken haze and couldn't believe my eyes. There was an old mate, he was standing there, clean shaven, tidy and with neat clothes on. The last time I laid eyes on him he was living under two sheets of corrugated iron. Sadly derelict and drinking metho and whatever else he could get his hands on.

I said "Hell, what's happened to you old buddy?"

"I am on the wagon and going to AA". He remarked

He was abstaining one day at a time from alcohol to begin a new life. In reality it didn't mean much to me at the time but through the state of mind I was in, I knew he looked heaps better than the last time I laid eyes upon him. I'd have to be awfully thick not to see that.

After this encounter, I drank on for the following few months until Easter 1977 and little did I know then that this was to be my last drink that was to land me finally, in AA. As I see it today my very last drink, gratefully.

It culminated with one hell of a weekend and wiped me out something bad. I had been violent again which was the norm for me. When I was sober I wouldn't say boo to a goose but when I took a drink I was unfortunately, bad news. It didn't matter who it was with, and usually my family was always the first to bear the brunt of my drunken tantrums.

Anyway, trying to cut a very long story short I lay up in bed for a few days and slowly I emerged from this, my last hangover. I mentioned to my wife that I might check out an AA meeting that my buddy had been speaking to me about. But with the proviso that I'd go with him to see what it does for him, not really of what it could do for me. My egoistic pride stopped me saying that.

Thankfully, once I had made that statement my wife immediately got in touch with my buddy from the past and he promptly came down.

"Would you like to go to a meeting tonight?" He asked.

This was on a Monday evening by the way and I responded, "No, not now but I'll go to the Sunday evening meeting, the one at the Detox. Centre where you attend."

Well, for the first time in my life, I had made an important and meaningful statement. I couldn't back down from it thinking about it and it was a few days hence. Anything could happen between now and then plus it made me a little better at least, making it. Of course I knew I was procrastinating, I'm the worlds best at that. But guess what, as we know time marches on. Sunday night duly arrived and I had made this statement, and a big one at that. Being 'a so called big shot', I had to front up no matter what. So I did.

When I first entered AA I had swag of warrants pending for my arrest, two outstanding bankruptcies that were running concurrently and heaps of people searching for my blood. I thought; let's see what this AA could do to about that.

I arrived at my first AA meeting shaking like a leaf, cold feet and ready to run at the slightest bit of pressure. I wasn't sure what to expect. Maybe they drink in moderation I thought. I didn't know. Anyway, I walked through the doors and was greeted as I have never been greeted before. At least these people weren't sucking up to me, they weren't after a buck. They were genuinely inquiring after my welfare.

I could see these people had something going for them. A lady by the handle of 'Just Judy' came up and gave me kind words of encouragement. She was a happy go lucky rotund, blonde lady with a voice you could hear almost two blocks away; and that was when she was only whispering.

Her husband was a little Scotch guy called 'Joey Green' (a maritime painter and docker) who had a broad accent matching his wife Judy's in every way, especially in the turning up the volume. I can mention their names now as both are long passed on in sobriety and they left great examples for me and others to follow.

I can always remember dear Jude saying, "Can you pick me up for a meeting tomorrow night?" In the years to come, I knew why she said that, she was just trying to get me to another meeting. Not really to get her to a meeting. There was no way was I to realize at the time that I'd be picking her up for meetings over the following eighteen and half wonderful years. Oh what beautiful people.

Boy, how I wish that lady was still around today. Such a caring person with more honesty than any other AA member I have been privileged to have known. Deeply sincere and didn't bat an eyelid when sharing her recovery testimony. Pure fifth step stuff straight from the heart, and what's more; right up there on the floor. She struck me with her good measure of honesty and raw humility.

Yep! What a lady and great qualities for sure. How can I beat that? Look at me, I felt I fell far short of her achievements; she was really something in my eyes.

That was the beginning for me. Up unto this day I haven't needed a drink odaat. You guys, my AA family have lovingly paved the way for me.

You have given me everything I have needed. All the faith and hope I have ever desired. You have steered me to a loving God and given me so much, what do I need now? Nothing, it took me four years to emerge from the bankruptcies. I worked things out with the law in regards to my indiscretions (8 debt warrants and 5 criminal warrants).

The old-timers said front up, walk through my fears and make amends. This I accomplished and still accomplishing in fact and I ventured forth; even with it being so overbearing sometimes. Eventually I came through thankfully...

Just being with you people does it for me, with the meetings as the therapy I need. The fellowship as a whole, the amazing power of it all overwhelms me. I can't figure it out, and I don't want to, but I know I love it with the greatest passion any one of us can muster. This awesome fellowship has given me a great life, lifted me out of the gutter, faced me in a positive direction and said, your choice buddy. Go for it.

Today, all I have to do is don't pick up, go to meetings and 'pass the message' on when or wherever the opportunity is there. This doesn't mean that I have to be like a 'Billy Graham' commanding the multitudes but in effect, simply when or wherever a situation arises ‘I want the hand of AA to be there' and for that 'I am responsible'.

I find that not so difficult at all, easy in fact. I have been doing it for nigh on 28 years to date, thank God. I am so truly grateful. Other amazing things happened from that day forth when I entered the doors of AA. One instance was when I had a very profound 'Spiritual awakening' back in August 1981 as I prayed alongside my dying father in law's bed for the release of his pain and the commitment of his soul.

A touch from 'God' happened and that is all I can put it down to. I can't explain it to this day but I know it wasn't my imagination. I knew from that very moment as I began to nurture the nucleus of my developing love of my God, I felt an overwhelming assurance that 'He' is there for all who cry out, who may reach out tenderly, to Him.

In the past I always believed I was like a high profile chessboard piece, a king a knight or even maybe a rook. But I was to be disappointed, all I was, was a lowly pawn. Today I'm happy with that - a link man maybe, a simple messenger within the confines of this wonderful program.

At last, the puzzle of life is revealed; I don't need to run around this planet any more wondering why I am here. I know now and what's more importantly I know why.

Hey, that's it. It's all about carrying the message of experience, strength and hope.

That'll do me; I can cope with that Thank God.

In conclusion, this program is all about acceptance. "Serenity is proportional to Acceptance". I can grasp that with gratitude and know that it leads me to that ever elusive, inner peace. Something I have searched for so desperately since my earliest days of my childhood.

My dear friends, you have saved my life and for that I will always be eternally grateful. I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. You have saved this once wretched soul and revived a flagging spirit. For that, I love you all and salute you in the name of this, my ever spiritual fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

PS - Before I close, the eleventh step is the special key to my ongoing success in this beautiful program. When I have difficulty in understanding and implementing action in the steps all I need to do is fall back on the 11step and I find the simple answers.

Lots of love from Gordy

"The 11th step is the key to living your life spiritually."

Dos 11th of April 1977

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